Whatever You're Doing

As I got up this morning I decided to log into my facebook with the intention of posting a new picture of Hannah.  That hasn't happened yet.  Instead I ran across a song someone posted and it really moved me into a time of prayer and reflection.  God is working in my life in ways that are undeniable.  It is causing me to reevaluate so many of my long held beliefs about what it means to be in relationship with Him.  I'm finding that not only have I bought into lies about myself through the years, but I've also bought into lies about who God is.

This time through my "Shelter" group I am seeing God's hand week by week.  Every unit we are in, I find myself being faced with a real life situation that makes what we are working on even more applicable.  Not only in "Shelter", but also in our Sunday School lesson, the sermon, a work situation, lunch with a friend, session with my therapist, or just life.  It feels like God is saying, "see Marcey, I'm right here, I'm walking this path right with you, I have always been here, helping you, strengthening you, carrying you, I'm right here."  Wow!

One of the biggest choices I've made while being in my "Shelter" group is to stop believing lies.  LIES!  My mind has been so full of them.  It's a process replacing lies with truth, but once you learn the truth, you can't unlearn it.  Truth is powerful.  The Bible says it sets you free, and I can testify to that.  It wasn't until I began choosing truth over lies that I was able to start seeing the presence of God in my life.  I couldn't see God through the lies.  Truth isn't always pleasant, but the freedom you get out of it is always worth the pain.  I'm so thankful for truth.

So, as I sit here this morning thinking and reflecting, for the first time in my life I realize that I can undeniably see that God is present with me, that he's always been with me, and as I choose to embrace truth and let go of the lies, I am able to see that I'm not too damaged for him to walk right with me on this journey of healing.  I find myself saying, "o.k. God, you with me, then lets go!"  I have fought surrender for so long, but now I want to surrender.  I want to just let God do His work in me.

Back to the song.  The lyrics were my conversation with God this morning.  Not verbatim, but pretty much my sentiments.  Especially the part in bold.  I want to share.  Enjoy. 


Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Something Heavenly*

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

"Shelter Begins" 2nd

This blog has no particular organization.  Actually the first post was written after I had completed my first session of  "Shelter".  Shelter is a group that I started participating in around the first part of February.  It is for survivors of sexual abuse and the participation requires three sessions, meaning if you go through the program you will be in the group for a year and a half.  I began my second session Tuesday night.  I'll complete the third in the Spring.

When I first started "Shelter" I was highly unconvinced that it would be effective.  I wondered all the time why I was doing this to myself, yet I couldn't help but go once I started.  Sexual abuse is so ugly and terrifying.  Not just to the person who suffered it, but to most everyone else in the world as well.  It's tragic.  It makes people uncomfortable.  It leaves everyone feeling helpless.  Victims and non-victims.  Sadly, most victims never tell another single soul what happened to them and they suffer in silence forever.  I didn't want to be a forever victim, but I didn't know I didn't have to be. 

Why "Shelter"?  To be honest, I'm not sure why "Shelter".  I heard about it, looked into it, and committed to doing it.  It felt like the "next thing".  "Shelter" uses God's word.  I have never seen the Word of God used so applicably.  It's been surprising and refreshing.  God has a plan for those that get a bum deal in this life.  It's called healing and restoration and it's not conditional.  Being sexually abused does not exclude us.  Praise the Lord!

Am I making it sound easy?  It is anything but easy.  Flashbacks, nightmares, insecurities, moodiness, insanity, ANGER...dear Lord help!  It is tough stuff.  I wish I could say that it's all worth it, but I don't know that yet.  My first time through I just started feeling.  There were times I didn't even complete my units because I was feeling too much.  What I can tell you is that enough positive things happened because of my "Shelter" experience that I couldn't help but to return.  I couldn't not go back.  I have to see if "Shelter" really gives me the tools to experience freedom from the bondage sexual abuse has had me in my entire life.

So, I make my way to another session of "shelter" and it feels good.  Apprehension is replaced with eagerness.  I know it'll hurt.  It'll be uncomfortable and difficult.  I don't care.  I can't help myself.  I want to be free.  I know I'll have to expand my support system.  I did it before, I can do it again.  God will provide.  As I walk through the door and see familiar faces a heaviness lifts.  I do not hesitate to remove the mask I've worn through the summer months.  It's o.k.  These ladies know and love me anyway.  A sweet peace envelopes me and I am able to be "Marcey".  The evening concludes and my only description for the experience is that it was like a "tall glass of iced tea on a really hot summer day".  Being a participant in "Shelter" is a blessing.

Thank you God. Thank you for the encouraging people I have in my life that remind me why I am doing these hard things, and thank you for a group of ladies that know my shame and love me anyway, and most of all God thank you for providing a way for healing and restoration to take place.  Amen              

Some childhood photos

A baby photo of me

Easter with my rabbit

The Toast

Sitting together in the beautiful arboretum as our time together comes to an end, the facilitator pops out champagne glasses and some sparkling cider proclaiming we're going to have a toast.  "Did she say a toast?”  “How odd,” I thought.  I took my glass and watched as the glasses were eagerly passed from survivor to survivor.  It appeared to be perfectly acceptable to those surrounding me.  What in the world are we going to toast, I inwardly pondered.  To pain?  To dysfunction?  To rape?  To incest?  To depression?  To molestation?  To shame?  The first glass is raised and a toast is made, "to recovery!"  Glasses clink.  "To Shelter!" Clink again.  "To truth!"  Clink!  By the third "clink", I began to see.  These once very broken ladies are all on a journey.  No two the same, but common still.  They've each known the pain and shame of sexual abuse.  These ladies found Shelter, are learning the truth about their painful sexual past, and are somewhere on the path of recovery.  They are looking  forward to a life of restoration and freedom.  They are embracing wholeness of their person as God intended.  Hope is abundantly present on this day; nothing at all odd about toasting that!  I get it clearly now as I raise my glass.  "To freedom!"  Freedom from the past, freedom in life, in relationships, and in Christ!  To God be the Glory!  Amen.