It's Over....

So, I finished the Shelter From the Storm program.  On Thursday night at the "Silent No More" event, I shared some about my journey.  There was no way to tell it all.  So much happened in the last year and half.  I am forever grateful to everyone involved in making this program what it is.  The past, present, and future participants, the facilitator, and all the support people.  I have no idea what is next, but there will be something.  God knows my hearts desire and He'll orchestrate His plan for my life like only He can.  I'm waiting and willing, whatever it may be.    Please keep me in your prayers.

Here is what I said.  I'm no speaker so...

My Journey

Into….I’m Marcey 

Thank Gwen…Instrument of Healing, Meet ups

Thank and acknowledge Mary…support person, joining the journey

Thank Shelter ladies…credibility…encouragement (front, behind, beside)

I had heard the statement “the truth will set you free” all my life, and I have to tell you there was no freedom in the truth that I knew.  The truth I knew was that I was worthless, dirty, useless, irreparably broken, stupid, unlovable, ugly, and fundamentally flawed at the very core of who I was.  I was a bother to everyone and what I wanted, thought, felt, or needed did not matter.  God was someone I could not please, and I was the exception to His sacrifice on the cross.  His love and acceptance was for everyone but me. 

I came to Shelter a 41 year old woman in a tremendous amount of emotional pain.  I hated myself.  I had spent a lifetime abusing myself and allowing others to abuse me.  I blamed myself for what happened to me and felt total responsibility for all of it.  It was all my fault.  I spent a lot of time working on every issue trying to fix me, but this one was untouchable.  It was unfix-able.  Then I found myself in a room of women where I was told that there was restoration if I committed to the recovery process and did the work.  I was told that there was healing and restoration for someone who had been prostituted by their father as early as they can remember up to the age of 14, and then raped by him 11 days before her wedding.   I was skeptical to say the least.

Week after week I was presented with facts, and it began to happen.  I learned that my truth wasn’t the truth at all.  I discovered that what happened to me wasn’t my fault.  That sex with a child and rape are criminal acts punishable by law.  The men who abused and raped me should have gone to jail.  I discovered that I had worth, that I was loved beyond measure, and that I could live a life free from my past.  The heavy chains that had me bound, and the thick stone walls that kept me caged began to loose, fall off, and crumble.  I found my voice.  I began to talk (A LOT), share, ask questions.  I took risks and forged deep meaningful real relationships with others.  That is something I never even allowed myself to think possible, but I so longed for.  I wanted a “real” friendship.  I found myself shelving the view of God that I had carried my entire life and asking Him to reveal His true nature to me personally.  He did, and continues to.  Oh how I am discovering the depth of love He has for me.  John chapter 10 says nothing can snatch me from his hand.  Nothing includes being sexually abused and raped. Nothing! 

My shelter journey has been the hardest and best thing I have ever done.  It’s not easy, and it’s not over.   I’ve got a long ways to go.   I will tell you though that I’d walk this path a thousand times over.  I’ve gotten a taste of freedom and now believe that complete restoration is possible.  Nothing will keep me from it now.  I wish I had the ability to share with you all that has taken place in my life the last year and a half.  It has been nothing short of miraculous.  I’m passionate about this program.  I believe it in because I’ve experienced what it does when you commit to the process and do the work.  I’m no longer skeptical.  Not a bit.  It works!  The statement “the truth will set you free” is no longer cliché to me.  It is real.  The truth does indeed set you free; the real truth.  Once you learn that truth, you can’t unlearn it.  It’s impossible.  There is freedom, healing, and restoration waiting on us.  Being sexually abused doesn’t make you an exception to it.  It’s for you!  It’s for me.  That’s the truth and there is so much more where that came from!  I’m grateful. 

It is because of my Shelter from the Storm experience that my reference point is no longer the years of sexual trauma I experienced.  Nope, my reference point is now the day I stepped into my Tuesday night Shelter group.  No longer is my reference point shame and quilt, but its hope and healing.  From now on when I look back at my past, I get to look at it through the lenses Shelter provided for me.  I can see clearly now, and the view is amazing. 

 
Thanks!

 

Speak What is Truth...

Just a post sharing one of the things I'm attempting to use to combat the lies in my head.  So many lies, so very many lies... :-(

Here's my heart Lord...
Speak What is True...

I am Found
I am Yours
I am Loved
I'm made Pure
I have Life
I can Breathe
I am Healed
I am Free

You are Strong
You are Sure
You are Life
You Endure
You are Good
Always True
You are light breaking through...

You're more than enough
You are Here...You are Love
You are Hope...You are Grace
You're all I have...You're everything

Whatever You're Doing

As I got up this morning I decided to log into my facebook with the intention of posting a new picture of Hannah.  That hasn't happened yet.  Instead I ran across a song someone posted and it really moved me into a time of prayer and reflection.  God is working in my life in ways that are undeniable.  It is causing me to reevaluate so many of my long held beliefs about what it means to be in relationship with Him.  I'm finding that not only have I bought into lies about myself through the years, but I've also bought into lies about who God is.

This time through my "Shelter" group I am seeing God's hand week by week.  Every unit we are in, I find myself being faced with a real life situation that makes what we are working on even more applicable.  Not only in "Shelter", but also in our Sunday School lesson, the sermon, a work situation, lunch with a friend, session with my therapist, or just life.  It feels like God is saying, "see Marcey, I'm right here, I'm walking this path right with you, I have always been here, helping you, strengthening you, carrying you, I'm right here."  Wow!

One of the biggest choices I've made while being in my "Shelter" group is to stop believing lies.  LIES!  My mind has been so full of them.  It's a process replacing lies with truth, but once you learn the truth, you can't unlearn it.  Truth is powerful.  The Bible says it sets you free, and I can testify to that.  It wasn't until I began choosing truth over lies that I was able to start seeing the presence of God in my life.  I couldn't see God through the lies.  Truth isn't always pleasant, but the freedom you get out of it is always worth the pain.  I'm so thankful for truth.

So, as I sit here this morning thinking and reflecting, for the first time in my life I realize that I can undeniably see that God is present with me, that he's always been with me, and as I choose to embrace truth and let go of the lies, I am able to see that I'm not too damaged for him to walk right with me on this journey of healing.  I find myself saying, "o.k. God, you with me, then lets go!"  I have fought surrender for so long, but now I want to surrender.  I want to just let God do His work in me.

Back to the song.  The lyrics were my conversation with God this morning.  Not verbatim, but pretty much my sentiments.  Especially the part in bold.  I want to share.  Enjoy. 


Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Something Heavenly*

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

"Shelter Begins" 2nd

This blog has no particular organization.  Actually the first post was written after I had completed my first session of  "Shelter".  Shelter is a group that I started participating in around the first part of February.  It is for survivors of sexual abuse and the participation requires three sessions, meaning if you go through the program you will be in the group for a year and a half.  I began my second session Tuesday night.  I'll complete the third in the Spring.

When I first started "Shelter" I was highly unconvinced that it would be effective.  I wondered all the time why I was doing this to myself, yet I couldn't help but go once I started.  Sexual abuse is so ugly and terrifying.  Not just to the person who suffered it, but to most everyone else in the world as well.  It's tragic.  It makes people uncomfortable.  It leaves everyone feeling helpless.  Victims and non-victims.  Sadly, most victims never tell another single soul what happened to them and they suffer in silence forever.  I didn't want to be a forever victim, but I didn't know I didn't have to be. 

Why "Shelter"?  To be honest, I'm not sure why "Shelter".  I heard about it, looked into it, and committed to doing it.  It felt like the "next thing".  "Shelter" uses God's word.  I have never seen the Word of God used so applicably.  It's been surprising and refreshing.  God has a plan for those that get a bum deal in this life.  It's called healing and restoration and it's not conditional.  Being sexually abused does not exclude us.  Praise the Lord!

Am I making it sound easy?  It is anything but easy.  Flashbacks, nightmares, insecurities, moodiness, insanity, ANGER...dear Lord help!  It is tough stuff.  I wish I could say that it's all worth it, but I don't know that yet.  My first time through I just started feeling.  There were times I didn't even complete my units because I was feeling too much.  What I can tell you is that enough positive things happened because of my "Shelter" experience that I couldn't help but to return.  I couldn't not go back.  I have to see if "Shelter" really gives me the tools to experience freedom from the bondage sexual abuse has had me in my entire life.

So, I make my way to another session of "shelter" and it feels good.  Apprehension is replaced with eagerness.  I know it'll hurt.  It'll be uncomfortable and difficult.  I don't care.  I can't help myself.  I want to be free.  I know I'll have to expand my support system.  I did it before, I can do it again.  God will provide.  As I walk through the door and see familiar faces a heaviness lifts.  I do not hesitate to remove the mask I've worn through the summer months.  It's o.k.  These ladies know and love me anyway.  A sweet peace envelopes me and I am able to be "Marcey".  The evening concludes and my only description for the experience is that it was like a "tall glass of iced tea on a really hot summer day".  Being a participant in "Shelter" is a blessing.

Thank you God. Thank you for the encouraging people I have in my life that remind me why I am doing these hard things, and thank you for a group of ladies that know my shame and love me anyway, and most of all God thank you for providing a way for healing and restoration to take place.  Amen              

Some childhood photos

A baby photo of me

Easter with my rabbit

The Toast

Sitting together in the beautiful arboretum as our time together comes to an end, the facilitator pops out champagne glasses and some sparkling cider proclaiming we're going to have a toast.  "Did she say a toast?”  “How odd,” I thought.  I took my glass and watched as the glasses were eagerly passed from survivor to survivor.  It appeared to be perfectly acceptable to those surrounding me.  What in the world are we going to toast, I inwardly pondered.  To pain?  To dysfunction?  To rape?  To incest?  To depression?  To molestation?  To shame?  The first glass is raised and a toast is made, "to recovery!"  Glasses clink.  "To Shelter!" Clink again.  "To truth!"  Clink!  By the third "clink", I began to see.  These once very broken ladies are all on a journey.  No two the same, but common still.  They've each known the pain and shame of sexual abuse.  These ladies found Shelter, are learning the truth about their painful sexual past, and are somewhere on the path of recovery.  They are looking  forward to a life of restoration and freedom.  They are embracing wholeness of their person as God intended.  Hope is abundantly present on this day; nothing at all odd about toasting that!  I get it clearly now as I raise my glass.  "To freedom!"  Freedom from the past, freedom in life, in relationships, and in Christ!  To God be the Glory!  Amen.